Why Don't I Review the playgrounds of El Retiro?

 With all my reviews of playgrounds in Madrid, why don't I review the playgrounds of El Retiro?

Great question. The reason is, El Retiro is not my thing. Let me count the ways:

1. El Retiro is hard to get to. I always feel like I'm hiking a million miles from a metro stop. I guess it's kind of convenient from Salamanca neighborhood. But you know how Abby and Ilana from Broad City feel about the Upper East Side? that's how I feel about Salamanca neighborhood.

2. El Retiro has literally no bathrooms. Like, I know there are bathrooms, but where?? There are four public toilets total in El Retiro which is not enough for all the people who visit.

3. El Retiro has terrible signage. I am always lost. Now with my phone, I can GPS my way back to civilization, but in the olden days, I once got lost for a solid 30 minutes. Probably because... 

4. I'm not a nature person. I am in the city to be surrounded by skyscrapers and concrete. I am just not that interested in walking around trees and flowers and grass and so forth.  

5. Be honest: does anyone actually enjoy rowing around El Estanque? There is nothing really interesting to do there. El Estanque is nice but it's just a pond. Are we really that thrilled by the Palacio de Cristal? 

About as close as I like to be to El Retiro